Denjou

Well...apparently I am still alive, despite my lack of updates. However, if I stand by my belief that living and Life is essential experience, then I am dead because I have none in memory. Oh well...

I might as well continue my fun filled journals of fun and adventure. It is the night before Halloween where I am...and since I live on a campus, I can hear the screams of all the parties and drunk people in my building. Ah yes...I am no longer on campus. I now live in an apartment some distance away from the campus. It is cheap-ish. More on that later.

I am in my third semester in college. I still am still attempting to get into the college of engineering. Don't ask why, I don't even know anymore. However, I am continuing my studies in Japanese, which actually is very enjoyable. While it took some time, I am now actually starting to speak and understand others proficiently. It feels nice. I hope to finish up a Spanish major in the next 2 years, so that will be 2 solid languages under my belt. If things go well, I will start Arabic next year. Also, I am taking fencing and am very much loving it. Fencing is a great sport and is so much fun! I have my own blade and outfit and am actually rather good at it...at least relative to my class.

Now for my other classes...not that great. Physics I am doing shitty in. I had to drop of physics last semester because I was going to fail it, and here the chances of me failing it again are extremely high. The problem is I can't drop it due to the fact that it would put me below my minimum credit load. Yeah...it sucks. Though I am confused on how I can understand Linear Algebra better than basic physics...

Ah yes. I am also taking Linear Algebra and other advanced math classes. While the classes are rather simple to me and I actually take much enjoyment from them, I have fallen behind due to the fact of not attending lectures. This week and upcoming week is me trying to catch up. Fun...

I just noticed that my first journal was the day after Halloween. I found it amusing that I am now writing the day before Halloween. Huh...

Anyways...what else is there in my Life? I did attend Geek Kon last week. It surprised me in that it actually kicked ass. I had tons of fun hanging out with people and just joking around. It would have been nice to exchange a few numbers or make some actual friends, but I gave on that years ago.

Also at the Geekkon, I entered Steam Century! I have recently gotten in Steam Punk! For those who do not know, Steam Punk is a genre that is like the old victorian days, but with more goth and punk edge in it. Think "The Time Traveler" by H.G. Wells. That is a rather solid example. You could always search DA for it. Anyway, I decided to go the more businessman look. I have a gray tailcoat and a gray vest. There is a purple sash like thing on my nech and I have purple glasses on. My hair is slicked back and I have a cane. I make an awesome villainous steam punk persona. My persona's name is Sire Alexander Luthern Black.

Yeah...Geek Kon was a great outing. I do believe I will be going to Daishocon this year. I have managed to find a ride and cheap lodging, so I will attend in a few weeks. It is rather close...isn't it? I will dress up again most likely.

I need a job. I am currently unemployed and the jobs around here don't seem to want to hire me, despite the applications I give them. I can last a few more months, but things are looking down. Next year, I am hoping to be a House Fellow for a dorm. Essentially it is a student in charge of a floor for student activities and fun as well as laying down the law for underage drinking. While I am not a total fan of people (in the sense that I hate people...), I think I can put it aside for some cash. If I do get the job, I get free housing, a huge food stipend, more cash to spend, and more. Of course, it is a ton of work...but I think I will do it to put some things on my resume.

I suppose this could be a moment for me to bitch about my roommates. I really don't want to, but I need to vent somewhere. To be honest, I chose to live here because the rent is dirt cheap, not out of friendliness (Although that may be why it was offered to me...). I only knew to older brother. When I moved in, I met the younger one. I never liked to older brother in the first place. Before, when I was beginning to think about how we were friends, well that was thrown out after I learned about him being a complete dumbass. Remember that I am not talking about his intelligence, but his personality and being and common sense. Mostly his common sense. I do believe that I spoke of how he wanted to pay a friend of his though college. This was before I realized that he isn't paying a damn thing. Since living here, I found out that their mother is still paying the rent for the two as well as other bills they have to deal with! This is fucking ridiculous! They are both 20 years or older and their mother is still involved in their financial life! The apartment is under her name! THe internet is under her name! The utilities as well! It is fucking pathetic.

And it just pisses me all off to all hell to see how pathetic these people actually are! Now there is nothing wrong with asking a parent for help, I love my mother to death and am definetly a mama's boy. But these fucks are essentially still living under their mothers tit! When I was trying to find out how I was to pay my portion of the rent, I found out the mother was paying the entire thing and I would have to pay her!!! This was not what I wanted! I was paying the apartment complex for the room because it belonged to them, not fucking her! I do not want her to pay for the entire thing and we compensate her back! We are adults and we will pay our own fucking bills! And it gets better! Oh shit...it gets better! After my initial shock of me paying her, she said I should just pay her sons the rent money so it could be used for groceries and stuff. From my understanding, I thought my portion would be going for groceries for the people in the apartment it was paid for. Which I thought was alright. Apparently that is not the case. Instead, the money is being pocketed by the fucking sons for whatever the hell they want and I still have to buy groceries out of my own pocket after giving them a check for some godly amount of money! Fuck me! I don't have a job, I can't afford this! They do have a job and they bring tons of food back from home because THEIR MOTHER IS STILL BUYING THEM GROCERIES!!!!! God dammit!

It just pisses me off to all hell. There is more, oh god...The icing on the cake before I rant about their so called intelligence, the cherry on top! The apartment I am in has one bedroom. It also has a large living room which was split up to two bedrooms. Now, I would have preferred to have the single bedroom since they are brothers and can put up with each other. Instead I stood down because I was essentially 3rd wheel and I didn't want to look too much like the pushy ass I am; thus I backed down and didn't bitch about sharing rooms. I figured my cost for rent would be lower due to the one brother having the single would pay a higher rent. Well...this was not the case. When speaking to mother (Yes, the mother. I couldn't even talk to the fucking inhabitants because they had no fucking idea. I had to go to their mother to get answers!) she refused to understand or acknowledge my reasoning for me to pay less rent. Now I am a cheap, but only when reasonable. My reasoning was since the younger brother had a single, he should pay more than the other two inhabitants because of that, but a good 50-60 bucks more per month. This would in turn make me pay less per month. Simple logic and I thought it made sense. No...she wouldn't even consider it. I got a whole 10 dollars off my rent bill TO HER because I have to share a room. She refused to understand that the younger brother should pay more for his single. Fuck...I hate people. Now, they did supply me with some furniture, which is nice. I dresser and a desk. I appreciate it. I was going to bring my own down here, but since they offered, I accepted. I also offered compensation, but she refused to take any. I figured it was good. Later, when I wanted the younger brother to pay more, she threw in my face the furniture they so generously lent me (despite me wanting to pay them back and me not even needing it since I was going to bring my own furniture down otherwise). The older brother tried to throw this in my face when he was telling me about how I should put more money in groceries. I believe that was a moment I let the mask slip and I showed my pissed off attitude at him when I told him to shut the fuck up about matters that (literally) doesn't concern him.

And the brothers themselves! Fucking a! The older one has just no common sense at all. He cannot see the importance of the dollar and just expects things to go his way. One day he came back in a very bad mood. He almost lost his job because he wasn't telling his boss what he was doing in the lab (I believe he works for a professor) and thus the professor believed him to be slacking. My roommate made it very clear to me that this was the professor's fault for this reason and the many *advanced* classes he was taking for another fault. Never once did he realize it was HIS fucking fault for almost losing his job and it will happen again due to the fact that he is a complete moron! On top of that, in the apartment he has many shitty quirks. I now have to hide my powdered drinks due to the fact that he drinks all the juice constantly. Whenever someone makes food or orders pizza or whatever, he expects a share, despite never cooking. He only lives on peanut butter on toast, pickles, and ramen. And for some odd reason, he never wears pants in the apartment. Now I go around shirtless, and I am not homophobic in any way, but this guy is rather ugly (he hasn't shaved or gotten a haircut for what seems like 3 years now. I have no fucking idea why he is sporting the hippie looks especially since it looks like shit on him) and there is always something unnerving when he looks over my shoulder really close to me in only underwear and a shirt.

The younger brother is in fact a few months older than me, but is essentially a spoiled little shit. He constantly argues with his older brother, always acts childish, throws tantrums,constantly needs attention (FUCK!), refuses to game with the us seriously, and just goes ahead to break rules because he can. He drinks constantly underaged and does alot of drugs. Now, I am not against any kind of drugs except those that kill on first try. Weed, dxm, salvia, alcohol I am not against and occasionally use myself especially the latter three. However, the amount this kid takes is obscene, especially when he tells us that it is safe still. he is an ignorant little shit that knows nothing about the real world. He bitches about a bad teacher alot. I tell him to shut the fuck up and deal with it because there will be alot of shitty people in life. he refuses to listen and is looking into dropping the class. He also has no experience in anything. Sure he does drugs...but talking to people? Nothing! He can't hold up small talk if his life depended on it. What is it with me attracting socially inept fucks? First Jack, then Auri, then these guys! Damn it to hell! Also, the younger brother went to geekkon as well. After the weekend, we I was relaxing in my chair when the kid came and started to tell me about his little makeout session with someone. The little fuck wanted to kiss and tell! I promptly dropped my little mask and told him to shut the fuck up and never do that again, because I absolutely hate those who kiss and tell. Little attention whores...That wasn't even his worst moment! When I got back after going home for the weekend, he offered to meet up with me since he was near where I was as I walked back to the apartment. I said fine. 3 minutes later he showed up without a shirt or jacket. The little bastard was outside in 30 degree weather with only shoes and pants and a cigar. I promptly told him he was a complete retard and ignored him for the most part on my way back to my apartment. To top things off, he got sick the next day with a cold, and when I warned him about streaking in the winter, he had the nerve to say it wasn't him going shirtless and jacketless in the cold weather the previous day! Little shit...Even better, some weeks ago he was stopped by this bum that seemed to want to sell him drugs. Now again, I am not against drugs, but some intelligence in the brain would tell you not to buy drugs on A MAIN FUCKING ROAD IN THE OPEN!!!!! Nope, the kid decided to talk to the bum. I walked away, telling him to call me later when he was done. 45 minutes later we met up again. Apparently the bum was going to refer him to the actual drug dealer...but he couldn't find him. So no drug for money exchange. I found out though, that he actually gave the bum 50 dollars!!! When I started to scold him, he claimed he didn't mind and it gave him the connections he wanted. Is he fucking retarded!!! First that shows he has no appreciation for money and 2nd, the bum was just conning him!!! The stupid little fuck.



*Sigh

I feel a bit better. I really needed to vent a bit, and I don't have a Fight club I can go to beat the shit of someone; thus, this journal is good enough. It is a nice cushion to scream into. I frankly do not care if it is read. Just writing it is good enough.

Anyway, I am off. I will be at Daisho con in a few weeks and Nobrandcon next april. Cheers to those who actually read this.

Well, for what it is worth, I will do a fun update of my ever increasingly entertaining, important, and worthy life to those few readers that will read this.

After graduation, I moved down to the University of Wisconsin - Madison. I moved into a dormitory and started going to fun filled classes of education and excitement.

I am still trying to get into the College of Engineering. I honestly have no idea why I am trying to get into this college, but since Madison is known for it, I might as well try. I will once I take my physics (yay...). After getting into this college, I suppose I will majoring in a sort of engineering. Since they all seem difficult and rather boring, I have recently decided to attempt a major in Industrial Engineering.

To be completely honest, I don't even know why I am, or even better, what the hell Industrial Engineering even is! By definition, it claims to be an engineer of systems (like banks systems) and factories. Paraphrasing my adviser's words, it is the business side of engineering (as far as I can tell...). So...while it would seem to be better to major in business, it is significantly difficult to get into that college, so I suppose I am doing something right.

To be honest, I would prefer to major in languages. I know Spanish (my first language, forgotten, then relearned), English, Portuguese, and a good amount of Japanese. I am attempting Arabic later this year if not next year, depending on how serious I wish to get into Japanese.

However, I might as well do something that has some sort of future, so most engineering majors (not Civil, or at least it is the worst in my opinion due to the fact that I worked with them so I know the shit they get!) will have halfway guaranteed jobs. Well...hopefully I will be able to get a job, but shit happens or karma strikes back so I will see what happens. It makes no difference now, I just have to work towards the degree, make the social connections whether I want to or not, and essentially not die until then.

One thing I would like to note. A good friend of mine here is soon going to graduate. However he said that he will be helping out a friend of his by supporting him through college.

Now I am not the best person to be friends with, in fact, I am a shitty friend, so I don't know what possible "friendship connections" they could have. However, I am a cynic and a pessimist, so I can see a problem here that will occur. While I don't believe that money is the root of all evil, money can still break friendships. No matter the friendship, lending out large amounts of cash is not a smart idea and will destroy that relationship.

When I tried to delve deeper into this (out of morbid curiosity, it is not my place to tell him to do something. mistakes and lessons must be learned for himself) he continued to tell me that after the guy passed through high school, he felt he didn't like the system of college, and dropped out.

...

After that, he has been scraping by for the last...I think three years, barely working and trying to have a place to stay and food to eat and other fun necessities of Life. Then my friend went on to say how these hard times has made the other guy so wise. Not just quote a quote wise, but made him so beyond the normal person wise from the "hardships" of Life.

...

Now, I'm not exactly the smartest light bulb in the knife drawer, but I believe that there is something wrong here. I missed the Life lesson of how dropping out of college, barely working, bumming off others, and (here is the important one) living everyday Life can be considered a hardship. This random 20 year old dude has no been enlightened because he ate fritos out of the dumpster? If he felt like it, I am positive that there is options for him: loans, parents, government, friends...Oh! so I suppose he is playing the needy friend card so others pay for everything for him!

Oh well, I just believe that this is a load of shit (possibly a scam) that I can't believe my friend is telling me. I did the usual smile and agree, because nothing gets people closer and more trusting then mutual agreement.

In other news, I have two weeks left of my Freshman year of college. It wasn't outstanding, it was above average (average grade: B), it was amusing. Oh yeah...and fast! Really fast, I remember moving like yesterday, except I don't but the sense of settlement is just starting to come, which made me say that line.

I have been working on some artistic things. I have one or two doodles that I do for fun, and a ton of writing that I should put on but haven't. Oh well, this account is solely to find other artworks I like.

One more thing, I went to NoBrandCon this year again. Placed in few tournaments, spent some (okay...a lot!) cash, had some fun, and got sick from the lack of sleep. Usual con stuff. I plan to be at Geekkon this year again, and hopefully I will be at the Daishocon too. I will see.

Until then, peace out, cheers, and all that. Hopefully some enjoyment could be gained from my clearing of head here.

Cheers...

Looks like it is finally finished, high school I mean.

I just got back from my graduation ceremony and I have finally received my diploma. All I can say is that the only feeling I feel is relief. I have been pretty stressed out lately, mostly because I am trying to get ready for college. Oh yeah...college. I was accepted to UW-Madison and will be attending the fall term in 2008. If alls goes well, I will be there for four to five years.

Anyways, I will admit to my many readers that I had a singular teardrop fall during my final song in the band arrangement. High school band has been an integral part of my high school career and is by far my favorite class in those four years. I am truly going to miss it.

To be completely honest, there is not much else I am going to miss from here. Sure I'll miss my house and my family (The ones I live with, no others I will miss. I dislike the rest...) and there are a few people I will miss being with. The main one in my opinion is definitely Jack, my best friend. There are various others that  I will slightly miss, but my stay here has not been enjoyable. Constantly haggled and insulted, I have very few friends. Perhaps this was my own doing with my personality and skin color...you know, it might be that.

All and all, it doesn't really make a bit of difference. I will keep in touch with those I do care about through the web and I will be happy that I won't see another one of my graduating class for the rest of my life!

Cheers

Well...I guess it has been in while. I suppose there aren't many of you out there watching me, even less that will read a journal by myself. But I do need to rant for a bit. A lot has happened in the past 6 months and I wouldn't mind just getting it all out.

When I joined my high school I really didn't expect too much from it. I knew how I stood in it and I really didn't care. Social status, amount of good friends, etc. It really didn't bother me at all mainly because I hate my home town and cannot wait to get out of it. Since it was my senior year I was mainly just waiting for it to get by so I could finally leave.

Although I wanted the year to go by fast, I wouldn't have minded to have a little fun while it went. I sorta looked towards my friends as sources as fun. Unfortunately I would come to school day after day and hear my "friends" talk about outings they had with each other and the get-togethers to come, I felt left out. In the end I realized that I was left out because they weren't including me.

Don't get me all emo, I had some guys and gals I could trust and liked them well enough. But the others I felt betrayed me and soon throughout the year I just fell away from them. The thing is I think it is because of me. I know I am not well-liked. I am the minority in an all white school and have for years been putting up with their racists shit and remarks. To top it all off, I am pretty flamboyant, so gay jokes were hammered hard upon me, mostly by my so-called-friends. I was used to them and ignored with rage and anger. This is hard for me because I am not a nice person. I am mean and spiteful,  a liar and an all-round bad person, but I believe in creating a mask of deception so that the general public won't treat me like I would treat them.

Is this all in my head? Is it karma? Did I drive them away? I don't know, but I can't help to think it was me. So what ever the case I threw the feelings and thoughts aside and kept going, just holding in my anger and feelings (not sadness but perturbation) and kept going.

In the end I knew I was not liked and will probably never be in this school. The problem is that I began to think that maybe my whole life would be like this. Few friends, don't get along well with anyone else. Generally never well-liked. I never used to have these thoughts and I am almost positive that it is just me being a teenager but I still can't help but to be hurt by it. It really does hurt.

I tried to just be with my real friends, but I couldn't. They literally shunned me away. I couldn't help but to still stay friends with some, and maybe even have a relationship. I am the worst romance person ever. I read romance and write it all the time(although I still hate soap operas, but anime and shoujo are my drug of choice) and I can't help but want a relationship with another. It sounds stupid but I am not really interested in sex, I just really want a relationship, at least someone to trust. I don't know but it's what I want. I'm not horny, just lonely. I did a few dates and had a couple relationships but nothing that didn't last or I cared about. It got worse, the people I was friends with who I had a mild interest in completely ignored me and/or make fun of me. Which I didn't mind, I guessed people really just didn't like me. After all, who could? I am not very good looking and really not a good person, although I am kind to those who I care about.

To make things even more interesting there was a school musical here and I usually just skip out on them because they are usually stupid, but this time I decided to try out just because I could. ( I often wonder if there was an ulterior motive, but I am not sure.) Anyway I applied and as soon as I saw the cast listing I knew what role I would get, not simply because I was most fit for that role (I am not!) but because my stupid music director knew that no one else would want it and I would not complain about getting the shit role. As Life dictated I was correct and got the shitty role. Now I am stuck in a bad role with people, who I know for a fact only got their leading roles by the high value of their popularity, who are not good singers and actors and don't deserve that role (except a few roles were well-placed based on their skill and caliber). I didn't really mind getting this role, but I did mind getting it because she didn't want to give it to anyone else! And many other people deserve better roles that backup singers and crowd and shit like that. Fucking A...it was just a popularity contest in short. I could go against the norm and bitch at my teacher, but I am a high believer of keeping a mask up because I am an ass. I can't act like myself in public, I would be lynched! I need to keep up a front so I can talk to people and use them how I need. The point is I needed to keep my front up and be the good fucking little student for her so she could always look at me with those eyes and apologize for making me come to practices when I am not needed. I literally just sit around during practice as everyone says their fucking lines and has fun and shit while I sit in the sidelines doing nothing because my only appearance is 4 seconds long. The fucking backup singers have more time on stage then me! It just makes me slightly perturbed!

Months passed and I let my life go by using anime, manga, writing angst driven stories and etc. One Sunday I got a surprise that actually shocked me (and I am considered a decently calm person!) a person I was friends with and wouldn't mind have gone out with asked me to go to prom. Let me repeat again, I did not see this coming within a thousand light-years, I was shaken! After a small talk I hesitantly agreed, after all, this completely threw off the idea I had for myself. After how the past year went, and pretty much the rest of my life, I thought myself as a hopeless loser with very little future. I always thought of myself losing my virginity to some one night stand in college, maybe having one or two relationships that die because of my stupidity, becoming a writer and pretty much failing at that while living in some suburbs in some shit hole of a house (Yes I give myself enough credit to own a house!). Her asking me actually made me think I had a chance or even deserved (I am not a nice guy and not very deserving...) to have an actual relationship! Why shouldn't I? She asked me! So of course I answered yes.

I don't consider myself unintelligent. I have some brains in my head, or at least I am told so. I may be an ass in front of people and appear stupid, but I assure you that I am smarter than I look, sound, think, appear, and act. After this all occurred I realized something was wrong. As I said, I am not stupid, I knew something was up. But like the man that I am and the dick that I think with I decided to put aside my doubt and just continue with my delusions of grandeur. A couple days passed and I talked and with people and her as usual. I believed I was the usual ass and flirter (I realize I am a terrible flirt but I will admit that if mind fucking with people was any more enjoyable, it would result in some kind of ejaculation!) to her and most other people.

By chance I had to finish up an assignment so I roamed around lockers looking for a person who had finished them so I could "check my answers". I ended up in her locker and I was looking for the assignment when I found a random piece of notebook paper with my name on it. I remember the life lessons on how not to touch anything unless it had your name on it (or something like that) so I figured it would be legit if I read it. It was her talking to a friend she sat next to in a math class. They would talk to each other by writing notes. This particular page was talking about me. On it she said she didn't ask me purposely, but instead her parents forced her to out of pity. She didn't want to but they made her. She decided to go along and let me "feel special". Fuck her. It got worst, she said to her friend that she really didn't like me and I pretty much disgusted her. She didn't want to be alone with me because I might try something...What the fuck! Also it would be fine if I am alone with her friend's date because, oh my fucking god! I am probably gay...

To be completely honest I didn't feel much. I swear I remember myself feeling a bit of relief, because my thoughts and stress that something so out of the ordinary would happen, happened. I knew it. I simply put the things away and contemplated a bit. Slightly perturbed, not really at her, but at myself, but for some reason I felt a bit of gratitude because this was the truth, and the facts were so in my face.

Later I told her I wouldn't take her, I believe I was very kind and caring when I said so. But after that I can't bring myself to really talk to her anymore. I can't really talk to anyone anymore because of this stupid fucking nagging voice in the back of head telling me what I am. It is just so unsettling. And I really don't know what to do. Some time later and ago I confronted her and pretty much bitched slightly. It was civil but nothing came from it and I never told her any of this. I doubt I will until someone I know reads this, guesses who it was and shows it to her. Then they can go and laugh their fucking brains out while I try to get on with my Life. By April 1 do I find out what is going to happen in my Life because a college will get back to me.

And here I sit, an angst driven teen with either a case of depression (I doubt it) or a case of idiocy and dumbass (more like it, I think I know myself pretty well!). But I do feel a bit better throwing up my feelings on the computer screen. Whether you actually read all of this or not, whatever, thanks. If I know you, cheers. The fun can now continue. Not that I wouldn't be used to it.

For everyone else that really watches my deviantart, cheers!

Well, I went to the Geek Kon in Madison. It was the first year it occured, but I think it was pretty good. It was a little disorganized, but I still had tons of fun! The vendors had some pretty good stuff, including a moogle hat! I was so jelous of everyone who bought one, but I had no money! My friends , , and all got some. I am very jealous. The artist alley was tons of fun. There was many great artists, I bought a ton of commisions. I also met two awesome deviants! and .

I spent mostof my time in the rpg and board game room. What can I say? I'm a gamer! Anyway the rpg's seemed pretty cool, and I tried a few of them, but my greatest discovery was Arkham Horror! This game is fucking awesome! I never even heard of H.P. Lovecraft before! I also bought Munchkins and played a game. It was great.


In my opinion, for being the first year, the Geek Kon went pretty well. NoBrandCon was better, and I am very anxious to go to that one in April. I plan to cosplay as Demyx *FanGirl Squeel!!!*. Hopefull it will all eventually work out.

Cheers!